If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to…”
It’s 2 AM in the morning and I’m up writing this post. I don’t know why but I’ve always felt that I’m at my creative best in the wee hours of the morning. All these thoughts swirling around in my head and just as they are about to take shape, these other thoughts come crashing in on them. Fantastically brilliant, earth-shattering, world-changing ideas, all of them! And then, sadly, sleep takes over and they are gone before I can grab and hold on to them. And I wake up the next morning, not remembering any of those thoughts, feeling wretched and thinking, “Damn! I was this close!”.
I live, or should I say sleep, for those moments when I lie on my bed waiting for sleep to take over. It’s the time when I go over everything that happened that day, connect it with something that happened in the past, reflect on how that affects me and, somehow, end up realising something about myself. I love such “eureka” moments. It’s when you realise there is still more to you than what you already know. It’s like having little secrets about yourself that no one knows, so that you can smugly tell someone, “No, I don’t like that.” or “I like it better this way” or “This is how I feel about it”, as though you’ve got it all figured out, while, in reality you are blundering through life barely keeping your sanity.
Right now, I want to talk about so many things I hold close! I want to talk about the songs that define me, the books that have changed my life, the colours that fill me, the movies that have moved me to tears, the places where I just drift away and the people, the wonderful people who give me a reason to smile everyday! But I know I can’t. It’s much too personal. I already feel it slipping away. I know I can’t. I know I won’t.